Hello is long-hand for BOO, MOTHERFUCKER

One thing that I’ve noticed while working at The Store is how customers respond to my co-workers and me when we walk up and greet them. The managers here take the idea of Customer Service seriously and have passed the values down to us Retail Slaves. Consequently, whenever anyone walks into the store will be greeted and offered assistance. Customer Service here is Serious Business.

Unfortunately, most people who walk in are used to…walking into a store and being ignored. A lengthy history of such cold experiences produces shock when they come in to The Store. Reactions to a simple “Hello! Welcome to the Store; is there anything I can help you with today?” can be separated into several categories:

1. Shock n’ Scuttle
The sound of a friendly voice offering assistance does not compute into the binary expectations of the Customer. Binary expectations are Acknowledgement with Complete Silence or Acknowledgment with Cold Shoulder. Since “Hello!” does not fit into either, this throws the Customer off. Confusion results in mild fear – questioning looks that say “What do you want from me? Don’t hurt me!” – and a hastened, shuffly pace like a beetle.

2. Shock n’ Sneer
Similar to Shock n’ Scuttle. Confusion and fear are replaced by revulsion and disgust. There is a sneer or some ugly condescending face that says, “Are you talking to me? What the hell do you want, Retail Slave?” and a hastened, haughty walk. Or waddle, as it more often is.

3. Total Cold Shoulder
“Did I hear someone say something? It sounded like ‘hello.’ But I can’t be too sure so whatever, I’ll just keep walking.”

4. In n’ Out
At the sound of someone addressing them – someone they don’t recognize – they spin around and walk right out. Fucking weird, but it’s happened more than once. So it gets its own category.

Of course there are some people who are happy that someone is willing to help them find a gift or something. But there’s no interesting story for that.